New Hootie album “Scattered” blows

Ive been laughing all day. They gave me a choice of records to review: Hootie and the Blowfish or Rod Stewart. Thats like choosing whether to die slowly and painfully or painfully and slowly. Welcome to musical hell, children.This brings us to the much reviled (by me) Hootie and the Blowfish (anyone who can name their band Hootie and the Blowfish and keep a straight face has problems). Sometimes the most offensive thing you can be is boring. Sure, you can be obnoxious. You can be crass. You can be mean. But nobody should like you if youre boring. Sure theyve sold millions of records, but does anyone remember the last time they displayed even an ounce of personality? Few bands have rocked out more pathetically than Hootie. They should drink more. And if they already do, they should drink some more or try something else. Its not working. I heard Drano works wonders. Hootie recently released this record entitled Scattered, Smothered, & Covered. No, Im not kidding. So that poses an interesting question: What do you get when a really boring group covers good songs? Really boring results. I laughed when Darius Rucker failed miserably to sing a Bill Withers song. I nearly cried when I heard him singing a Tom Waits song. I nearly puked when he sang a Smiths song (Morrissey should have your gonads, sir). The band took a piss on Roy Orbison, crapped all over Vic Chesnutt and wiped with Radney Foster. How many more atrocities can they commit, I ask you? They must be stopped. In all seriousness, listening to this album reminds me of being in college. It reminds me of people I dont like and places I dont go. This especially upsets me when the songs are written by people I respect. The only good thing I can say about the band is that they have good taste in songs. Too bad the record does nothing but highlight how much they suck.

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