I don’t know if you faithful Houstonian readers (both of you) have noticed this, but Hunstville doesn’t offer much in terms of entertainment unless you happen to be over 21 or an alcoholic (preferably both), so I thought I would suggest the Top 10 interesting ways to kill time in the mall. And by mall, I mean Wal-Mart.
10. The domino effect
You ever notice the way Wal-Mart shelves are lined up in those convenient little rows? Ever wonder what would happen if you tipped one over into the one behind it? Ever wonder how fast you can run from a freefalling nail gun? How about 20?
I’m not going to lie to you. Fish are boring. But fish are a lot less boring when they are going 30 mph towards the back of someone’s head. But I suggest you keep line of sight with the nearest exit before trying this.
8. Video games
I’m a single, unemployed, overfed college student that writes stories about Wal-Mart. Video games are all I have going for me.
7. Sample the toys
Everyone loves playing with toys, but if you’re short on cash, what are you supposed to do? If those tiny plastic idols are calling your name, all you need for a “free” demonstration are sturdy scissors, good running shoes and a friend you can trust.
6. Pot luck
While certain legal obligations have kept me at a certain distance from Wal-Mart, rumor has it that they occasionally offer free food samples. A few of these can make for an interesting stew. Or you can always enjoy the free candy bin of Brach’s caramels near the front of the store.
5. Smoking in the Wal-Mart McDonald’s
I quit smoking almost a year ago, but that shouldn’t stop you from lighting one up. After all, I’m sure you are exhausted, maybe even winded, from all the unadulterated fun you had from the above suggestions.
Legally speaking, I’m not sure if you are still allowed to smoke in McDonald’s, but if you aren’t, then getting away with it will be that much more fun! It’ll be like high school all over again.
4. Video bargain bins
Anyone who’s been to Wal-Mart has noticed the discount DVD bin near the electronics department, and it’s likely that anyone of taste has rushed past it averting their eyes. But if you stop to look, you’ll find some interesting titles in that Pandora’s box of low production value, such as “Now We’re Cooking with Food!” or anything starring Carrot Top. If you happen to come across a copy of “Ninja’s Ballroom 6: The Legend of the Bullet Blades” pick it up for me. I need to complete the set.
3. Queen for a Day
As all you fashion buffs know, Wal-Mart is THE place to be for the latest fashions from 1994 and beyond (excuse me, I meant “before”). Last time I checked though, Wal-Mart didn’t have dressing rooms (that’s a lie — I never checked), so feel free to do your costume changes right in the aisle. You may even want to show and tell your creative combinations of flannel shirts and wind pants to one of the customers, or even the manager. But watch out for falling punches.
The electric carts that help the disabled can also provide hours of distracting entertainment! You can race your friends through the car department, stack some shopping carts to ramp over or play chicken in the meat department. But don’t try driving one home. Trust me when I tell you the battery won’t last the trip, and that the handling on that thing is murder on the highway. Literally.
1. Going home of your own free will
If you do most of the things on the above list and still make it home without an escort and a pair of silver bracelets, then you’re a better man than me.
Before you ask, yes, I’m aware of the existence of something called “The West Hill Mall”, but I’m fairly certain that it’s just an urban legend.
Note: The Houstonian does not advocate any of these actions!!!