Parking garage to be destroyed

In an effort to further inconvenience students, staff and faculty, the recently erected Sam Houston parking garage is scheduled to be demolished at the end of the current semester.

“There is just not near enough user interest in it as we initially thought,” said physical plant director Dan Groening. “We were hoping to be able to pay off the cost of the garage with the contracted parking spaces and regular parking rates by 2007, but given the fact that no one uses the facility, save for the few people with reserved spots, we’d still be paying the thing off in the year 2020.” And given the garage’s $24 million price tag, that projection isn’t too far from the mark.

Upon hearing of the impending demolishing, Aramark executives jumped at the chance to lay claim to open space. Their current plan is to construct a new eating facility that would prominently feature popular fast food franchises such as Subway, Carl’s Jr. and McDonald’s.

While this announcement is sure to infuriate a student body already irate over the usurping of what little campus parking is left, students shouldn’t expect any kind of official backing from higher ups in the university. SHSU Board of Directors Vice Chairman Randall Conway issued a statement yesterday endorsing the garage’s destruction.

“This is a decision that has had a lot of thought and planning put into it,” he said. “We realized that erecting the garage was a complete mistake, and we hope to rectify that mistake with the wonderful new eating facility that is currently being planned. I’m especially excited about having Subway in there. We just don’t have enough of those restaurants around campus.”

As expected, student reaction to this announcement has been universally negative.

“This is complete and utter crap,” said junior Myk Smith. “The fact that the university has remorselessly usurped our only means with which to conveniently park our vehicles is an unmitigated outrage.”

Freshman Dryden Dryden also expressed his dissatisfaction with the demolishment announcement.

“The worst part is the fact that it is the university’s own lack of planning and judgment that caused us this. Not to mention the fact that they are replacing it with more Subway restaurants. We only have, what, six of them already in Huntsville.”

On a more positive note, the garage is scheduled to be demolished by means of explosives. Students, staff and faculty will be able to purchase tickets to view the demolition. International demolitions expert, Gustav Masterson, is being contracted out for the theater of mass destruction. The new eating facility is to be named Belvin II: Electric Boogaloo and if you’ve read this far in the article…Happy April Fool’s Day.

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