The Milk Man Prophecies

The Milk ManProphecies

King Kong remains in the box office top ten for another 18 weeks. Kong himself is then nominated for an Academy Award for “Best Actor” and wins. During his Oscar acceptance speech, a less than humble Kong glibly remarks,”Denzel Washington ain’t got nothin’ on me!”

The Bush Administration will admit that Osama Bin Laden never really existed but was actually a metaphor for Bush’s “War on Terror.” Towards the end of the year, the administration will also admit that George W. Bush never really existed but was actually a metaphor for “a big, stinky dum-dum head.”

Gas Prices will hit an unprecedented high after U.S. troops pull out of Iraq and the country is given its full freedom. Millions of Americans will be forced into primitive forms of transportation including walking, bike riding and “yogging” (pronounced with a soft “y”).

Gay marriage will become recognized as a legitimate union throughout the United States after an unparalleled rise in lesbian unions. Across America, millions of women will suddenly denounce their sexual orientation and become “life partners” with other women. The cause of this sexual evolution – Microsoft’s Xbox 360. Men will no longer desire to pursue women upon the release of Grand Theft Auto: Downtown Houston and John Madden 2007.

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes will give birth to the child prophesized in scripture to lead the world into a century of darkness. Surprisingly enough, he will be born Puerto Rican. He will raise churches throughout the northwest supporting Scientology and artificial insemination. Refusing to take the Cruise or Holmes last name, he shall simply be known to the world as Vanilla.

Sammy the Bearkat will go on a three month trek across the country in search of his real parents. Interestingly enough, his father is in fact a “bearkat,” but his mother was just a slutty Florida orange.

Mike Jones will have a platinum selling album, his own video game and a basketball shoe. At the height of his popularity, he will sit down with Barbara Walters for an in-depth, hour-long interview. During the live broadcast, Walters will look him dead in the eyes and ask him, “Who is Mike Jones? I mean really?” to which he will tearfully respond, “I don’t know Barbara I just don’t know.”

The Da Vinci Code will be released in theatres as a major feature film starring Tom Hanks. Its phenomenal, worldwide success will spawn three sequels: The Dr. Seuss Code, The Dress Code and the critically jeered, straight to DVD release, The Nintendo Code.

Kanye West will get into yet another vehicular accident. Luckily, his ego has grown to such massive proportions that his head will serve as its own airbag, and West will walk away from the accident totally unharmed.

The Patriot Act will be retracted and resubmitted to Congress for approval. No changes will be made to the document, but the act will be renamed to more accurately reflect its purpose. Its new name will be “Freaky, Weird 1984 Hitler Type Stuff.”

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