Jesus has T-Mobile

Everyone’s gone digital. Nowadays, the only people without cell phones are Amish or in prison. If you tell someone that you don’t own a cell phone, they react as though you have the bird flu.

“I don’t have a cell phone.”

“Really? Oh…I’m sorry…how’d that happen?”

There are phone plans for everyone. Bad credit? Try pre-paid. Like to type? Get an unlimited text messaging deal. Family man? Cingular has a shared plan that offers up to four phones for the price of two. Yep, companies have done an excellent job convincing Americans that we need to be accessible 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The technology these phones possess is nothing short of amazing, unfortunately if you’re under 25, most of these features are just expensive extras that make you feel outdated.

My sweet, sweet granny recently bought a Cingular Razor Video Phone with iTunes.

“Grandma, you haven’t left your house since 1997.”


“So why do you need a cell phone?”

“For when I’m in the bathroom. And what the hell is an iTune?”

Every night, granny puts the phone in her closet because she thinks Cingular can see her through the camera. She never checks her voicemail and now has 42 messages backing up her inbox; once a week she leaves her charger on the city bus. It gets worse. One day, she went online and downloaded a bunch of gospel ringtones. Now whenever someone calls, it sounds like a Kirk Franklin concert in her kitchen.

All of this she blames on Cingular.

“I don’t want Cingular no more, I want T-Mobile.”

“Why T-Mobile Grandma?”

“Because Jesus has T-Mobile.”

It was the most absurd, yet ambiguously prolific statement I had ever heard. A proclamation void of any rational thought, a declaration with no factual support, yet it stayed with me the entire day. Everything else seems insignificant now because Jesus has T-Mobile.

The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that Jesus does in fact have T-Mobile. It’s the only company that provides the amount of anytime minutes it takes to accommodate such a busy savior. He is always by our side, he walks with us, shares our joys and pains, so it’s only fitting that he has a Sidekick. Jesus doesn’t download ringtones; he finds it a waste of time and frankly a waste of phone memory. He has a Bluetooth but only uses it when he drives and he never sends text messages. Like a good Messiah, he turns his phone off on the Sabbath, and he never goes over his daytime minutes ever. Ever ever.

Moses, Mother Teresa and Mel Gibson are all on Jesus’ shared family plan. Mel constantly goes over his share of the minutes. This makes Jesus mad, but he always forgives him. If T-Mobile sent Jesus someone else’s phone bill, like all of our sins, I think Jesus would pay it. You may not have his number, but trust me, he has yours.

Never mind the logical arguments against these implications. Jesus has T-Mobile. Technology touches the heavens and why should it not? Spaceships visit Mars, satellites circle Earth and Europe is only hours away by plane. Perhaps granny was onto something. Either way, take comfort in the fact that help is only a prayer or phone call away, with free nights and weekends.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the devil has Sprint.

–Jamaal Bachelor

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