An unedited collection of my editorials that were never completed, published or approved for one reason or another. Enjoy.
-My father once told me the reason black people love chicken so much is because we cannot afford lobster. For years I thought this was the most ignorant statement I had ever heard. Until I went to Red Lobster and could only afford the chicken casserole.
-The hardest stage in anyone’s life is the first grade. One day you’re watching cartoons and eating your toys, the next you are expected to learn words, shapes and colors. It’s a very stressful thing. In fact, its so difficult the children are required to take naps during the day in order to prepare them for more learning.
-Velma never got her due respect on “Scooby-Doo.” While the other castmates tainted evidence, it was always Velma who solved the mysteries and kept the series alive. In 1998, she left the show and can now be seen playing the female lead on “Law and Order: SVU.”
-8 a.m. classes are too early, 6 p.m. classes are too late. The best class is the 10 ‘o clock because you are out in time for Judge Mathis.
-One Christmas I asked my mother for a bike and got a sweater. The following year, I asked my mother for a puppy and got a turtleneck. Several years later, I asked for a fleece and got a car.
-Have you ever found money on the ground? No matter how bad things get, finding money always seems to turn things around. Drop a $20 on the ground and make someone happy today!
-My first girlfriend’s name was Jasmine Smith in the fourth grade. We dated for two weeks. One day I wrote her a letter, put a dollar inside the envelope and gave it to her during recess. She used that money to buy candy for another boy. After school I went home and untied her dog from the tree in her front yard. The dog ran away and was never seen again. That was worth a buck.
-Jesus has T-Mobile.
-Every superhero needs an arch-villain. Batman has The Joker, Spiderman has The Green Goblin and Bushman has The Bin Ladin. Bushman needs a cape and a sidekick if he ever wants to defeat Osama.
-Remember Siskel and Ebert? They rated movies and coined the phrase “two thumbs up”. Then Siskel died and Ebert put his name at the front of the show and hired a new guy. Now it’s called “Ebert and Roeper.” Ebert’s pretty healthy; Roeper may have to wait that one out.
-The devil has Sprint.
-Some people should be given a limit on how much they can talk to you, like a cellphone. They would have to pay for live conversation. That way, if someone is in your face and you want them to leave, you can say, “I can’t talk to you anymore, my person-to-person minutes are low.”
-If you play the Beatles’ White Album backwards really slow, you can hear Paul in the background saying “GGGRRRREEABBBBMMMYYYYMEEEAAAATTTT!”
-Have you ever noticed that serial killers are always described as really nice and friendly? That’s why I only associate with mean people.
-“Brokeback Mountain” did for gay cowboys what “Shrek 2” did for green ogres. Absolutely nothing.
-Prison changes people. My uncle went to prison when I was eight and got out when I was 18. On my birthday he gave me nine cigarettes wrapped in newspaper and slid it to me under the dinnertable.