Desperately seeking Scientology

In fact, my “Little Kanye” will also have a silent birthday. As well as a silent Christmas-come to think of it, silent dinners don’t sound too bad either. Communication is overrated anyway, just look at my articles.

By no means am I knocking traditional birthing methods; it’s just that I would hate for the first words Little Kanye hears me say be, “Oh my God! That baby looks half Puerto Rican!”

The practice of the silent birth comes from the teachings of a hot new religion known as Scientology. Actually, it is neither hot nor new, and I’m not quite sure that it can be classified as a religion, but it has been getting a lot of press lately thanks to one of its most famous advocates, Tom Cruise.

Scientology’s unconventional beliefs and practices make it a willing victim for a slew of late night skits and comedy spoofs. Because like any new religion, Scientology has been facing a lot of criticism.

But I ask, don’t all religions contain at least a few practices that could be easily labeled “unusual?” Christians are submerged in water as a symbol of spiritual rebirth. During Ramadan, considered the holiest period in the Islamic year, almost all Muslims over the age of 12 are expected to “abstain from food, drink and other sensual pleasures” from the first light of dawn until sunset. Even the common practice of circumcision, or as I like to call it, the “Snip/Tuck,” could arguably be viewed as genital mutilation, a practice, which is believed to have originated in Africa, but was later adopted by the Jews as a religious ritual.

The term “silent birth” is used to describe the experience of giving birth without expressing pain. According to the teachings of Scientology, the guidelines also prohibit music or any type of talking during the birthing process.

It’s like giving birth in a library.

Another aspect of a silent birth is not talking to the newborn baby for one week.

Because everyone knows that newborns have a lot on their mind.

I actually wish my mother had given me a silent birth; it would have probably made me a much more relaxed, well-adjusted person. Unlike most adults, I actually remember my labor; it was a very chaotic scene. In fact, my delivery was without a doubt the scariest day of my life. The screaming, the doctors pulling at me, the sharp objects; being born truly scarred me for life. I was much happier where I was. I wish they had just left me alone. Now, I fear hospitals and every time I leave the house, I’m scared a white man in scrubs is going to slap me on the backside and tell me to breathe.

While I am not converting to Scientology, I do respect the rights of its followers to practice their beliefs. As an American citizen, you have the constitutional right to worship a box of Frosted Flakes if it makes you happy. As far as I can tell, Scientologists won’t be playing a major role in the great apocalypse any time soon, so let Tom and Katie enjoy their silent little relationship with their silent little baby in their own silent little way. I think we could all take a note from the Hollywood couple and just shut up for a week.

Silence, after all, is still golden.

Final Thought: If Tom Cruises’ baby falls down in the woods and no one is around to hear it- does it make a sound?

–Jamaal Bachelor

Leave a Reply