News Snack

Tom Cruise apologizes to Brooke Shields

Yes, Tommy has made amends for bashing Brooke over her use of anti-depressants following the birth of her first child.

“Wow, that felt good,” noted Cruise moments after the apology. He went on to apologize to moviegoers for the film “Vanilla Sky”.

Still in an apologetic mood, he then apologized to African-Americans for slavery and later admitted to reporters that for the past year he had been secretly building a spaceship in his backyard that he claimed would one day “take him somewhere where things make sense again.”

Lebanese officials scoff at Israel talks

In retaliation to the scoff, Israeli official responded with the seldom-seen double scoff.

“We will not take this scoff sitting down,” announced Lebanese Information Minister Ghazi Aridi, who quickly shot back with a sneer.

The sneer, which Aridi followed with a jeer, was returned with an angry scorn by outraged Israeli official who, in a fit of rage, then placed his thumb on his nose and twiddled his other four fingers while sticking out his tongue.

The slapstick routine, stolen from an early Three Stooges film, is expected to delay peace talks for months.

Taiwan firm drops China iPod libel case

A Taiwanese firm has dropped its claim against two Shanghai journalists and their newspaper for saying that workers at a plant manufacturing iPods were mistreated, the official Xinhua news agency said on Sunday.

According to reports, workers at the plant were forced to “wear shirts explaining what they rep” and were expected to “hold conversations with others” as opposed to “tuning out the world by sticking white wires in their ears.”

Government asks to keep surveillance program

The Bush administration on Friday asked a federal judge to delay enforcing her order for a halt to the governments warrant less communications surveillance program.

The controversial program allows the NSA to monitor communications into and out of the United States when links to al-Qaida are suspected. Breaking with historic norms, President Bush allowed the NSA to conduct the surveillance without first getting court approval.

“We feel this program should be allowed to continue long enough for us to find out if LaToya in Michigan is going to ever call her baby-daddy back and tell him she’s been sleeping with his brother,” said one spokesperson for the Bush administration.

Scientists report baldness breakthrough

In a finding that could help treat an inherited form of baldness, a research team in Manchester claims to have discovered a protein “code” that instructs cells to sprout hair.

By sending the code to more cells than usual, the scientists at the University of Manchester say they were able to breed mice with more fur — a feat that could potentially be replicated in humans.

“During human development, skin cells have the ability to turn into other types of cells to form hair follicles, sweat glands, teeth and nails,” explained Denis Headon, who led the research.

Critics of such research included television personality Dr. Phil who was reported as saying, “Looking for happiness through hair growth is a vicious, self-defeating struggle; because only you can fix that little bald spot on your heart.”

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