Squirrels on campus are not to be trusted

Squirrels. Friend or Foe?

There was a man in Idaho who was walking behind the barn to a chop wood for his families Christmas fire. He strolled along humming “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire,” which was said to be his favorite Christmas song. His wife and three daughters watched from a window as daddy, their hero was chopping wood. They shrieked in terror as they watched 200 squirrels lunge at their father.

He swung his ax with all his might and was even able to take a few of the vermin with him. But eventually he succumbed to their wicked fangs and black eyes. Some say it’s because the squirrels thought the man was mocking them. After all, they were unable to get the nuts they dearly needed, and he dared to sing of delicious nuts. I say that events like these are all foreshadowing of the doomsday day to come.

This was a topic that I did not want to discuss for this semester’s last issue. I wanted to inform you all that the use of the term “man purse” is highly offensive to gentlemen (like myself) that take fashion seriously. Unfortunately, I felt it was my God given to task to inform you of the revolution to come.

The other day I was driving around Huntsville listening to Faith Hill, when all of a sudden a squirrel darted in front of my car. I swerved to avoid splattered mammal entrails on my Maxima and came to a screeching halt. I looked back and the little turd was glaring at me. The week following, I was walking to my car after a night class. It was sub-warm and I remember pondering if the earth was really round. Before I could unlock my door a single acorn fell from the tree above me. It rolled to my air forces and I heard a rustling in the leaves. I didn’t see the squirrels. But I don’t think I was meant to. They just wanted me to know they were there. They wanted me to be sure that I would not forget the events to come.

The truth is, no one knows exactly how many tree jumpers exist. The sad part is, is that no “scientist” cares enough to calculate the overpopulation of a threat to national security. I took it upon myself to calculate the hypothetically exact number of nut grabbers that are out there. The figure I conjured is astonishing. By my calculations, the squirrels out number the SHSU student body 18 to 1. I looked a bit further at these figures to find that 18 is 6, 3 times over. 666 = mark of the squirrel.

I know. It’s a bit asinine. But that is the very reason why the revolution will work. Society as a whole doesn’t see this coming. I’ve heard countless stories of people getting chased by squirrels, but unfortunately people discount these events as playful “mammalery.” Yes. “Mammalrey.” Truth is that they are testing us. They have stats on everything from how fast we run to the percentage of students that are addicted to Grey’s Anatomy. They have us down to a science.

Many people may say “Why SHSU? Why Huntsville? Why our Unsavory City?!”

The answer is evident. We are just a test. The squirrel race has nothing to gain from taking Huntsville aside from delicious chicken tenders from Humphey’s and free pizza at Dominos. We are just the beginning of a plot to take over the world.

A lot of you may find this to be nothing more than some guy who has no love life or friends and you’re right. However, that is exactly what those puffy cheeked demons are counting on. And you may wonder how I know all this. It’s not just because I have a few screws loose. I figured this out while the rest of you were watching “Grey’s Anatomy.”

You don’t have to believe me. I’m just a messenger.

Just don’t come calling Brad Basker when you’ve got a squirrel defecating on your toaster strudel.

Merry Christmas

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