A few good rabbits

In case you haven’t heard, German farmer Karl Szmolinsky has been breeding giant bunnies on his farm for several decades. The rabbits – roughly the size of a Cocker Spaniel – are meaty enough to feed a family of eight, assuming no one in this hypothetical family is opposed to eating on an ingesting rabbit.

These monster rabbits are not the least bit cute, in fact, with their physical attributes scaled wildly out of proportion, they are actually a quite frightening. Larger than a three-year-old child, these beasts possess ears that are longer than my forearm and teeth I can only assume resemble broken glass.

Rabbits, which can produce up to several litters per year, are known for their reproductive potential; but if these creatures escape into the wild, will they produce monster babies? If so, they’ll be too big for their natural predators and we may all be in trouble.

As though this story wasn’t strange enough, North Korea has gotten wind of these giant rabbits and has contracted Szmolinsky to supply them with enough rabbits to feed its starving citizens. I am not making this up. So far, he has sent the North Korean government 12 bunnies, which can produce 60 babies a year – that is, if the North Koreans can find enough food to feed them properly.

Times are hard in North Korea, but there may soon be a solution for a starving family of eight.

I should also mention that Szmolinsky is a communist sympathizer who is admittedly “nostalgic for the days of East German communism”. Let’s just hope he isn’t sending these giant rabbits to North Korea under a false pretense – like teaching the North Korean army how to raise even larger rabbits that can be ridden like horses into battle, washing up on our shores in powerful fleets of rabbit-drawn carriages in an attempt to initiate what could possibly be the silliest war in American history.

Let us not forget that the great military commander Hannibal once led an army of elephants across the Alps during a battle with Rome.

Rabbits can swim, you know.

Leave a Reply