Plead the fifth

Raised on game shows like “Wheel of Fortune” and “Jeopardy,” my sixth-sense warns me that the end is very near when consenting adults battle for prizes on a show called Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?

A fifth grader?

I would certainly hope so.

On the hit program, ordinary adults try their best to answer questions taken from elementary school textbooks designed for the fifth-grade education level. There are five children who help the adults throughout the show and sometimes the adults do well; but often, they do not.

Examples of questions the show may ask include:

Who was the first U.S. President to be impeached?

What constellation is the Big Dipper located in?

Have you, at any time in your life, ever been identified as having “the cooties”?

I admit, I made up that last question for fun. But based on the format of the show, a better title might be Do You Know More Useless Crap than a Fifth Grader? Honestly, does knowing which species of bear is the worlds largest really qualify one person to be labeled smarter than another? Just because the average lawyer may not know what bone in the human body is the longest does not mean I would allow a fifth grader to serve as my attorney — I don’t care how much the kid knows about trapezoids.

Because I believe that there is a difference between intelligence and education, I challenge a fifth grader do something truly impressive, like deliver a baby or sleep without a nightlight.

For your own piece of mind, I have devised a way to determine if you are, in fact, smarter than a fifth grader.

You may consider yourself smarter than a fifth grader if:

1. You are allowed to use the kitchen stove

2. You are allowed to talk to strangers

3. You have completed the fifth grade

I am currently pitching a game show to the Fox Television Network called Guess How Much Change is in My Right Pocket. Every episode, I would put a random number of coins into my right pants pocket and contestants would guess the dollar amount based solely on the sound of the change jingling as I shake my leg.

I smell a hit.

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