More than meat

The following column will make sweeping generalizations about men, women and the preferences of each. If you, the reader, find that these observations do not apply to you, then do not take offense. Instead, take heart in being above ‘the norm.’ That being said, enjoy:

I find it patently offensive when women regard men as objective and draw their expectations of women from pornography or Hollywood. I am not here to deny the accusations that men are objective when it comes to women. Many of these accusations are well founded. Rather, I suggest that women can be just as objective about men, and that women are just as prone to see a man as a ‘piece of meat.’

It is true that the media has influenced our perceptions of one another. Pornography, reality T.V. and Disney have presented ‘ideals’ for what we should expect in sex, friendship and love. The problem with these ideals, for men specifically, is that we make women objects by not observing the individual person. Instead, we project what is shown in Hollywood onto our girlfriends, friends and complete strangers.

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, I know what you are thinking. “But Bryan, there is no female equivalent to ‘Playboy’ and ‘Baywatch,'” if only that were true. That equivalent is of course, ‘The Notebook.’ Women, generally, do not have a need to watch a thin waist, top-heavy blonde running down a beach, because they can watch Ryan Gosling burst out of his shirt while he rows his lady down a duck-filled pond. I’m sorry; I’m just not that kind of guy. I’m not some piece of meat who has a pond, rowboat or a combustible shirt.

Scientific studies have narrowed down 15 pertinent qualities that the ‘perfect man’ should possess. Chief amongst them: he must be funny, good to his mother, humble handsome, financially stable and “able to watch Ally McBeal with me and not make sarcastic remarks.” If you are able to find such a man that represents an amalgam of these qualities, be wary. You have probably slipped into a drug-induced stupor. I am not suggesting no man is sensitive, funny, handsome, paternal and humble. Only that very few of us, at birth, were the perfect blend of: He-man, John Cusack, Johnny Depp, Dane Cook and Emeril Lagasse.

In short, I do not have any intention of pointing an accusing finger at women for being objective creatures. We, as a people, have a tendency to design our ideal friend, parent, child or significant other. My only intention in writing this article was to demonstrate that men are not alone looking for their ‘Jessica Alba’ in a haystack of ‘Britney Spears.” So are we really more than just pieces of meat to one another?

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