Hey, can you quit being gross?

I wouldn’t necessarily classify myself as a “germaphobe,” but certain things do gross me out.

I absolutely hate when people don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom. Every time I’m in a public restroom and I see someone walk out without washing their hands I just want to scream, “Wash your hands you filthy (insert expletive here)!”

Another gross-factor of our society is people in the food service industry. A few weeks ago I was in a mall and stopped by the Great American Cookie stand to get a soda. The 16-year-old boy behind the counter filled a cup with soda then, when it overflowed after putting on the lid, he proceeded to lick the soda off of his hand. RED ALERT! That is disgusting. When I told him that was unacceptable behavior as a person who handles cookies, without gloves mind you, he became defensive and almost insulted. Sometimes people are idiots.

Another instance of being gross occurred a few years ago when some genius decided to thaw frozen chicken in a hot tub at a local apartment complex. Yeah, a lot of people got salmonella.

Now, this may be a personal paranoia but I refuse to eat at buffets. I think every table at a buffet restaurant should come equipped with a bottle of ketchup, hot sauce and hand sanitizer. Until this happens I will leave the buffets to the finger-lickers.

That’s what I’m most afraid of: people who scoop gravy onto their mashed potatoes, get a little on their fingers and can’t wait until they get to the table to use a napkin. I think when this happens witnesses of the finger-licking should call them out and say, “Excuse me, ma’am, I have some sauce on my fingers, too. Can you lick it off because I don’t believe in napkins either.” Or tattle on them with a nice,”Hey Mr. Manager, this fat guy just licked his fingers and picked up the green bean spoon.”

What’s even more disgusting than that is drinking out of cans of soda and here’s why: I am told that the important food people allow a certain percentage of hair, dust and rat fecal matter into these cans because it’s harmless in small doses and they can’t just change the system of canning goods.

Wipe the mouth of that can all you want, but it still won’t kill that rat’s poop germs. This may be true and it may not, either way it makes me gag.

If you insist on drinking out of cans, you should at least brush your teeth and hopefully you keep your toothbrush sanitized.

Laying it on the counter is definitely a no-no and some studies have shown that flushing your toilet sprays millions of tiny bacteria, such as salmonella and E. coli into the air. My solution for this was to buy a toothbrush sanitizer that de-germs your toothbrush in six minutes using UV light.

I guess way back in the day no one knew about germs and they did just fine, except for the average lifespan being 20 years old. I’ve lived one year longer than that by sticking to my guns about gross things, so I think my knowledge/paranoia about germs is justified.

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