In this same page nine months ago I wrote about Justin Bieber in the context of his self-serving comments in the guestbook at Anne Frank’s house, saying he “will be relegated to the banality of VH1 punch lines before he celebrates his 30th birthday.”
In retrospect, maybe I was giving Biebs a little too much credit, as he seems to be hell-bent on ruining his career before he turns 21. According to reports in TMZ (I know, I know, but if there’s a better source for Bieber news, I have yet to find it.), the Canadian superstar had his Calabasas domicile of debauchery raided by police last week in an effort to link the teen heartthrob to a string of ritualistic killings in the Los Angeles area that could be related to the occult.
Nah, just kidding, Bieber egged one of his neighbor’s mansions and the cops were looking for video evidence on the star’s home security system. During the raid, police discovered unidentifiable drugs in the singer’s home and arrested his confidant and aspiring rapper, Lil Za. For what it’s worth, the drugs were found in Za’s bedroom, and he claimed them as his own, but facts won’t stop me from making a hackneyed joke at the expense of law enforcement.
We’ll get back to the drugs later, but let’s examine the vandalism in which Beiber’s been implicated. According to the alleged victim, who happens to share a property line with Bieber, the incident started around 7:30 p.m. on Jan. 9. Let that sink in. Millionaire Justin Bieber egged his next-door neighbor’s mansion shortly after dinner.
I’ve read countless lamentations about child stars not learning valuable life lessons as they’re shuffled around the world to perform. In his glamorous adolescence nobody taught Bieber the proper methods of vandalism!
Caveats about how property crime is a real crime and how terrible it would be if something like that happened to your own house, blah blah blah. If you’re going to egg a house within walking distance (generally a bad idea), do it under the shroud of darkness and not on your block.
After the incident went public, Bieber drew from his preferred well of atonement: Instagram. Rather than go the shirtless selfie route (which he did after the Anne Frank jackassery), he posted a collage of selfies with his adorable younger siblings.
More recently, members of Bieber’s inner twerkle have suggested he check himself into rehab, because he’s supposedly addicted to lean. I dispute this allegation, based on nothing other than the fact that lean addicts tend to stay glued to their couches listening to shitty, slowed down rap songs. They don’t egg houses. Then again, drugs cause differing reactions among individuals, so maybe the world’s biggest brat throws eggs at mansions when he’s done sittin’ sidewayz.
What can we learn from all of this? Virtually nothing – but what did Bieber learn from the negative headlines? Somehow even less, as the former YouTube total hits record holder reportedly spent $75,000 at a Miami strip club on MLK Day in celebration of Lil Scrappy’s birthday.