One is the loneliest and coldest number

Winter is coming, and if you are like me and are incapable of doing anything the easy way and your life revolves around idiotic chaos, I got you girl. Here is some very serious advice for you on how to keep warm.

Do the hibbity-jibbity. All that friction will not only cause chafing, but will in turn create heat. So get cracking and use a condom. But not that warming lube, it will feel like someone threw acid on your nether regions.

Break out that furries costume you have been hiding in the back of your closet next to those shackles and chains. Make Rhianna proud.

Share body heat. Or rather suck it out of someone else. Shout out to the number one bae in the world. I like to put my hands on my boyfriend’s face or arms and suck the warmth out of him. He also tucks my clammy feet in the bend of his legs for a toasty oven feel without actually having to hop in the oven.

No Shave November? More like No Shave Forever. Embrace your natural beauty. All that hair was put there for a reason. No need for faux fur coats this year.

Stock up on Twinkies and hibernate in your new found blubber. It is natural in the animal kingdom to pack on the pounds for the winter months, so take Thanksgiving to a new level this year and head over to Paula Dean’s house for some diabetic coma-inducing, butter-filled crack.

Bake your clothes in the oven because we both know you are not using it for anything else.

Drink a ton of coffee. Not only will the constant intake of warm beverage heat you from the inside out but will also work yourself into an over-caffeinated psychotic fit which will warm you.

Take a scalding hot shower with your boo and then stay in there. Apparently hot showers and baths are damaging to your skin and hair and blah blah blah but who needs those things anyways. Just find yourself a nice turtle shell to inhabit. Maybe you will attract yourself a nice teenager mutant or a master of disguise.

Enjoy a nice spanking. All that booty tapping will make the blood rush to the surface of your skin causing inflammation and vascularization of the area, creating heat and a nice rosy glow.

Create a trashcan fire in a back alley while sharing a bottle of vodka with a group of strangers. Not only will the fire warm your body, but the special connections you make with these new friends will warm your heart for eternity.

Lastly, nothing will turn the heat on with you and your lover more than a good old Dutch oven. For those of you who are not well versed in the art form that is flatulence, it is when you pass gas under the sheets and seal it off for your unfortunate bed mate to discover later.

So here is to winter: the two-month season here in Texas that thought it could get the best of us. I will see your icy roads and raise you one Dutch oven.

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