I Got You Girl: 50 Shades of Grey

It is that time of the year again for the third best holiday that makes 90 percent of the population feel like a steaming pile of crap. Paws up for chocolate gorging, cheap champagne guzzling and Taylor-Swift-temper-tantrum-inducing Valentine’s Day.

The day has arrived to spread the love. Remember to tip your servers well. They are giving up their Valentine’s Day to make yours even more special.

‘Tis the season to make your significant other, lover or simply just boo to feel like they do not love you unless they sell their kidney to shower you in roses, chocolate covered strawberries, heart shaped everything and creepy stuffed animals. I am sarcastic, of course. I am truly a simple girl with simple needs and a diet comprised primarily of chocolate.

Here is a tip to all you smart bargain hunters: hit up the stores the next day for heavily discounted chocolates and treat yourself. Stores no longer charge full price for anything bearing a heart, cupid or anything Valentine’s-related the second the clock strikes midnight which in turn saves us from the terrible consumer driven horror-day.

Contrary to what commercial brands try to tell you this time of year, you cannot buy love, at least not a love that will last. Pessimists are right when they say Valentine’s Day is a holiday created by stores to make money. It is the same thing that happened to Christmas. It is something that started with good intentions and became a forced money mill. Needless to say, I am not about that life. Secondly, I do not have a money tree that I can periodically harvest and then proceed to flush the fruits of my labor down the toilet on useless propaganda we are forced to buy from the holiday gods.

Here is a day that is just like any other when I say just because someone does something nice for you, does not mean you have to go on a pity date or sleep with them.

Most importantly, the day has come for the movie “Kingsman: The Secret Service”. I am just kidding. I mean who cares about that movie. Of course I am talking about Fifty Shades of Puke – what I meant to say was “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

From what I gather, after reading IMDB’s storyline (please, like I had time to sit there and read that indecent heathenry), it is basically “Twilight” for grown-ups minus the fangs and paws. An innocent, timid and naive girl falls for a troubled and controlling wealthy man. Oh yeah, you bet your anal beads and ball gag that I am so turned off right now, I could hurl.

Do I intend on watching the movie? Yes, because I feel that even if I dislike everything it stands for, I will be missing out on a crucially kinky part of the 2000’s if I do not see this movie. Just come and find me in front of the theater in full furries costume chanting Rihanna and Britney’s “S&M” anthems while waiting in line.

When you get down to it, contrary to what Fifty Shades of Masochist would like you to believe, Valentine’s Day is not about boyfriends and girlfriends, it is about celebrating love in general. Celebrate your love for yourself, your mom, grandma, pets, or friends. You are a strong and independent person who does not need a significant other to tie you up and release your sexual tensions – I mean complete you.


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