I Got You Girl: Spring Breakers

Whether you spend your break at South by Southwest or smashed up against a sea of sweaty, sunburned bodies in Galveston, take the time to watch Harmony Korine’s “Spring Breakers” and you will know exactly what not to do during your week off (or ever).

For those unfamiliar with the timeless classic and unwilling to part with the pocket change to rent it (because none of us torrent movies, right?), I will summarize. Do not trust old people hanging around a college spring break destination (think back to that loser in his twenties lurking around at your high school house parties), and no matter the age, do not trust any white person sporting cornrows.

It is probably politically correct for me to simply say ‘do not do drugs’ but to be realistic, I know most of you will be looking for ways to ‘enhance’ your experience. Popular spring break drugs include Molly and mushrooms or shrooms as the kids like to call them.  These drugs are glamorized in the media and popular music but many do not realize that they are dangerous and can kill you.  If you feel that you must partake in drug activities, some common sense advice would be to know what you are taking, how much of it you are consuming, and like candy, never take any from a stranger – you never know what it may be laced with. But just use caution and make sure your drugs are coming from a secure and reliable source. Better yet, how about you just stay away from any drugs and just have fun the old fashioned way by spending some quality time for your family.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to be in control of your body in order to be aware of your surroundings. We do not live in a perfect world, and there will always be bad people out there looking to take advantage of you. Guys, if you have to question whether or not it is rape – it is rape. Your partner must be conscious, sober, and verbally express consent without being coerced. There have been too many recent cases where rape has been incited and it can ruin your entire life forever. Girls, watch not only your back, but your friends’ as well, and whatever your vice, make sure you are able to handle it. Simply think about a situation before you put yourself in harm’s way. It is easy to say everything will be fine but when you are actually in the situation, it will be hard to control the events once they start unfolding.

Alcohol is an especially deceptive drug making people look like a ten when they are probably a three and you do not want some neon snap-back wearing, Ray Ban poser, tribal tattoo genes and possible STD’s in your family tree. So do not be silly, cover that willy. Wrap it or clap it. The clever and rhyming advice is endless but it is important to listen to that little voice in the back of your head. You do not want to end up with a burning sensation while urinating or worse genital warts. You cannot get rid of those no matter how hard you scrub.

When drinking and out in the sun (good luck finding any, forecasts predict rain and nippy temperatures), be sure to stay hydrated. Alcohol dehydrates your body all on its own, but when mixed with direct sun and warm temperatures, it can lead to serious health problems.

It is the same old advice I would give anyone for everyday life, but like James Franco’s ridiculous yet dreamy spring break southern drawl, the week away from responsibilities seems to hold a mysterious spell over common sense.

Enjoy yourself and be safe wherever you may be, with your perfectly beach toned bodies, me and my cellulite cratered thighs and flabby underarms will be huddled next to a space heater in search of UFO’s in the freezing desert.


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