Halloween is the one day of the year that you can put on anything you want and everyone will have an opinion after it is posted to Facebook and Instagram. But the only difference between October 31 and any other day is that wearing your furries costumes out in public is completely and irrevocably acceptable.
That is right folks. Comb out that neon orange mullet wig and make sure your pasties have been dry cleaned because it is time to let your freak flag fly. Dressing up in costume is a time-honored Halloween tradition and should not be taken lightly. However, many people miss the memo year after year and fail to impress at one of the hottest parties of the year.
Costuming is not an easy task and takes lots of research, planning and skill. Not everyone is blessed with the ability to creatively conceptualize and execute an original costume idea, and this is perfectly okay. Thankfully, this guide was written to help the costume challenged individuals be different, original and one of a kind.
Let me take the time to recap some of the costumes you should not consider as they have all been deemed so last year and should be retired to the costume vault until they become popular again in 5 years and give you better alternatives.
Under no circumstance should you dress up as any character from the movie “Frozen.” I repeat, cross off any “Frozen”-based costumes off of your list. Do not even put it on your long list. Disney has conspired with the media to oversaturate our brains with “Frozen,” and any party you go to is guaranteed to have at least three risqué versions of either Elsa or Anna.
If you want to dress up like a real pop culture princess or international icon, consider the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton or Princess Beatrice of York. You could probably find your entire costume in your granny’s closet for free.
Speaking of international icons, Miley Cyrus started a revolution after her infamous 2013 MTV Video Music Awards performance and the ensuing twerk gate that followed. She basically destroyed Robin Thicke’s career while jump starting her own and made it socially acceptable for people of all shapes, sizes and colors to proudly twerk in the open.
Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it), Miley herself has declared that she is retiring the dance once known as “le twerk” and consequently made all those who planned on wearing her stage costume consisting of latex panties and hair twists social pariahs. Instead, put on your sexiest bikini and wear a sash with the words “Miss North Korea” scribbled in magic marker and no one will be questioning your originality and you still get to show off and shake your goodies.
“Mean Girls” defined an entire generation, but it sadly gave girls everywhere false hope that Halloween costumes only consist of pasties, string and some form of animal ears. This is not fact and should not be treated like one. Your costume should be original and unique. Besides, you will probably lose your animal ears at some point in the night and then where would you be costume-wise? How about actually dressing up as an animal and going all out by painting your body in tiger stripes or giraffe spots?
Tired costumes are not limited to females. Fellas, do not think that you are free and clear to choose whatever you want because you all will be judged harder that the fairer sex. That being said, let me give you some tips on how not to be a mega-douche and repel potential Halloween hook-ups.
Please, I beg of you and pray to all the Halloween gods that you do not throw on your sunglasses after dark and tape a largely exaggerated box over your crotch. You are not fooling anyone and hopefully your dick is not actually in the box. You might as well wear a nametag saying “Hi, my name is I have gonorrhea,” because you are most definitely going home by yourself at the end of the night.
Many guys out there feel that dressing up in costume will project them in a less masculine light and opt not to wear a costume at all. Let me assure you that this is in fact more douche-like than strapping a box over your package. You are not excused from dressing up on Halloween, so you better get to work and figure something out.
Halloween is supposed to be fun and a time when you can be someone else for a night. You do not need to drink to lose your inhibitions and let loose. You can hide behind your costume and get freak nasty on the dance floor without anyone ever knowing who you are, so put on those thinking caps and get to work. And remember, if you have to ask yourself what Robin Thicke, Miley Cyrus, Justin Timberlake, a washed up celebrity or any of the characters from “Frozen” would do, then you need to check yourself before society does.